Here's The Thing About Us "Difficult" Women...

"Most women, regardless of where they grew up or what their cultural background is, have been taught essentially that to be a good woman is to be good for other people."

That is a direct quote from Rachel Hollis' book, Girl, Stop Apologizing. The first part of the book is dedicated to exploring the excuses that women use for not pursing their dreams or living their authentic lives. In the very first chapter, she addresses the excuse that speaks to me the most: "It's not What Other Women Do."

What does this mean?  It means that we hold ourselves back from doing and saying the things that we truly want to do and say because it's just not what we're "supposed" to do. I could go on and on about the expectations placed on women in our world, but the POINT is that those expectations have a tendency to shape the way we THINK, and our thoughts are what drive our words and actions...so those are pretty important.

The issue is that we have been brought up to believe that, in order to be a good woman, people have to approve of us. We have to be good for other people to be any good at all. Any deviation from that, and we are labeled as "difficult." 

"We've been taught that we don't have any value without the good opinion of others."

THIS has really messed us up for life. We live in constant state of guilt and shame, walking a fine line between trying to please others and being our true selves. If you're a woman of action, like me, a woman who wants to manifest the beautiful world she's created in her mind, then you know my struggle. 

Everything I do, from speaking up against racial injustice and encouraging people to vote, to shutting down the rants of the Negative Nancies in the workplace (at least in my presence) is met with eye rolls and comments about me being "difficult." Because if you go against the grain, swim against the current, step outside of the lane that society insists you travel in, well you are just DIFFICULT!

It took me a long time (27 years to be exact) to really feel comfortable in my skin, and in all its difficult glory. That's not to say that I can now do and say what I want without ever being affected by what other people think. I like to be liked. I'm a friendly person, it's just who I am. I'd love it if everyone loved everything about me and wanted to be my friend, BUT it's quite the opposite. There are many more people who DON'T like what I have to say, simply because it's not what they expect to hear out of a woman's mouth (a young, latina woman, at that). 

My culture taught me that I'm supposed to be quiet, submissive, and live my life solely to care for my husband, children, tias, tios...and every other human being under the sun...leaving absolutely no room for me to care for myself. 

I frequently found myself thinking...wait a minute, if I'M worried about you, and YOU'RE worried about you, then who in TF is worried about ME? 

That's just no way to live. 

When I was younger, I frequently spoke without thinking and acted on my impulses, so there is a fair amount of reason I will allow to my being defined as a difficult child or teenager. Now, though, life has taught me that I can (and should) be more intentional with my words and actions. And while I'm not necessarily worried about pleasing others, I do want to be well-received, at the minimum respected (and let's be real, we can't respect mouthy people who give no f*cks about the feelings of others).

But even then...

...even when I take my time and am careful to say only exactly what I mean, I still get hate. People still think I'm difficult, and I've accepted that there will always be a population of people who feel this way, and that's OK. They are entitled to their opinions, but their opinions do NOT have to define me.

Friends, I need you to know that other people's opinions of you are a reflection of how they feel about themselves. Your joy, your confidence, your ambitions, your outspokenness...if they bother someone, that means that something is wrong with them, not you. How could someone else's life possibly bother another person? It can't.

You don't have to be what others expect you to be. In fact, you have a responsibility to be your most authentic self and share your gifts and talents with the world, because you're the only person with your unique combination of capabilities. Yes, people will think you're difficult. Why? Because you will make them uncomfortable. You will force them to examine their own life and their own beliefs, and unless they are already 100% alright with themselves, that's not going to be a fun process.

Be yourself anyway.

Take pride in the love you have for yourself. Take pride in knowing your worth. Live authentically.

The people who do get you, who love and appreciate your existence and lift you up, those are the kind of people you want to surround yourself with, anyway.

I'll leave you with more wise words from another wise woman, and hope that you remember them the next time someone accuses you of being "difficult."

"Well-behaved women seldom make history."